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Be the reason someone smiles today. Or the reason they drink. You choose your own adventure.
If anyone asks, I`m drinking all this wine to collect corks for a pinterest project.
You say peeping tom. I say highly active member of the neighborhood watch.
If your job title is head receiver, you know you`re doing something right.
If I agree with you, we would both be wrong.
Shopping at the Dollar Tree makes me feel rich and poor at the same time
People all around the world are out doing interesting and productive things right now. You are reading this.
when a girl says "whatever" what she really means "I hope you get shot, fall off a bridge, get raped by a shark, and then eaten by it
Do you ever get the feeling that you’re being watched? Because if it’s bothering you, I’ll stop.
When we married, she treated me like a God. As time went by, the letters got reversed
7.1 billion people in the world. 0 willing to lower their standards and date me.
I do this thing called "Whatever The F*ck I Want".
As far as distractions go ... I like to think I`m a good one.
I`m thinking one of us should probably break the news to the phone book makers that there`s this thing called Google now
I want to see a pregnancy test commercial where 2 single people high five the sh!t out of each other because it`s negative.