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At first, I had my doubts about using autocorrect. But my new phone probed me wrong. PROVED DAMNIT! PROVED!
It`s not a real relationship until their zip code is in your Weather Channel app.
Sometimes, I drink a glass of water, just to surprise my liver!
Being a fat guy at McDonald`s is like being the muscle guy at the gym. People stay out of your way cause they know you mean business
If you`ve ever watched a butcher wrap pork chops, you`ve seen me wrapping Christmas presents.
Me: "I want to travel more." Bank account: "Like, to the park?"
Raising teenagers is easy, they sleep 16 hours day, eat the other 8, and the only word in their vocab is "ok"
Some of my best memories are naps.
I was told that I had an alcohol problem, but I think me and Captain Morgan have it figured out..
Life is like a bowl of soup; you only get blown if you`re hot.
Social media is great if you like socializing without wearing pants.
My entire existence is just me sitting around waiting to get hungry again.
I`ll never understand women. They hate when you ask their age, but get mad if you forget their birthday.
I finally had the talk with my kids. I told them that in the wild animals eat their young so they better get their sh!t together.
I always get this dream where I`m driving in reverse ...Then I wake up and see that I`m driving normally.