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I`m a spontaneous procrastinator
Didja ever get to know someone so well, that you wish you didn`t know them at all????
I assume guys who wear their phones on the hip do so because their pockets are stuffed to the brim with condoms and girls phone numbers
I used to have a tremendous sex drive. My girlfriend lived 150 miles away
Stop screaming, lady. All I said was `this is how pornos start`. It`s just elevator talk.
ATM is telling me I have insufficient funds. Worst part is I was just walking by minding my own business.
is admitting to pushing Humpty Dumpty, he had it coming!!
Life would be more simple if the person who named the orange an orange would have named more things. ;) Just Sayin`
I worry about the future because I know my friends that are teachers.
I realized my superpower.. I can walk into ANY bathroom.. And the toilet paper roll will be empty..
The older I get the more use I have for the phrase "bite me."
Shout-out to nature for not giving wings to snakes
I always wanted to buy a Parrot and teach it to say, "Help, they`ve turned me into a parrot!"
Nothing says IDGAF like an old lady at a slot machine wearing oxygen and smoking a cigarette.
The Spanish version of the Subway jingle “65.63 Peso 0.3 meter largo” isn’t quite as catchy…