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I just can`t help it ... Sarcastic bitch is built-in.
Laughing at your mistakes can lengthen your life. Laughing at your wife’s can shorten it.
If it weren’t for physics and law enforcement, I’d be unstoppable.
Dear who ever’s reading this, I could be naked right now and you would never know.
I hate how my friends are always trying to convince me to do extreme activities. Like bungee jumping, skydiving or leaving the house.
Michael Schumacher`s former crew just visited him in the hospital. They changed the wheels on his bed and his drip in 4.4 secs.
I do 5 sit ups daily. It might not sound like much, but there`s only so many times you can hit the snooze button.
My friends always use to say, "there`s plenty of fish in the sea." But looks like I ignored their advice and ended up marrying a whale.
I spend so much time on the internet, that the priest pronounced us husband and wi-fi.
I would offer moral support ... But my morals are questionable.
My opinion of yoga pants varies depending on if I`m at the gym or if I`m at Wal-Mart
They`re all cop cars when you`re this high.
My number was 0...
Sometimes.. late at night... I fill my bathtub with tomato sauce and pretend I am a meatball.
Orgasms are alot like pizza. As long as I have pizza I don`t really care if you don`t have any pizza.