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I think it`s safe to say that my 2 year old is definitely more excited to see the fire truck next door than my neighbor.
I get carried away sometimes… Usually because I refuse to leave.
Not sure if this Adderall is working but I just made a pros and cons list about pros and cons lists.
It`s like nobody ever considers the consequences of getting to know me.
"Fidget Spinners are so dumb pointless." -The generation that purchased over 5 million Pet Rocks.
For all the taxes they take out of my paycheck they should at least send me a picture of the broke ass family I support to hang on my fridge.
Men are trained from birth that happiness comes from either boobs or a bottle.
Sometimes putting on pants is the hardest part of my day.
I stayed at a really nice, really fancy hotel this weekend. The towels were so thick I could hardly get my suitcase shut.
I took a pic of my self a few days ago. Now I`m playing with it. Yeah...I`m playing with my selfie.
Of course I`m a good mother ... They`re still alive aren`t they.
Under no circumstances shall a call be made to another male after 2 a.m., unless its to get bailed out of jail.
Apologising does not mean you are wrong and the other person is right, it just means you value your relationship more than your ego.
What’s the difference between partly cloudy and partly sunny?
I live in fear that my death will somehow be connected to the opening of a pressurized Pillsbury cinnamon roll container.