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Do you ever wish you were a monkey? Then if you got mad at someone, you could just fling your poo at them. Problem solved.
It`s like nobody ever considers the consequences of getting to know me.
I built that beach a sandcastle. Beaches love sandcastles.
I stick pins and needles in the people I don`t like because can`t afford voodoo dolls.
Never seen anyone jogging and smiling, so that’s all I need to know about that.
"Open Mike Night" sounded like a lot of fun until I realised I`d been invited to an autopsy.
The Easter Bunny doesn`t always drink, but when he does I bet it`s hopscotch.
"What doesn`t kill you makes you smaller." -Super Mario
Sometimes I get up really early, drink some coffee and read some awesome motivational quotes. Then I go back to bed.
You know you`re old when all of the bands you listened to growing up have several greatest hits albums.
My stomach just growled so hard I thought I was getting a text message.
I`m sorry, I`ll be busy this weekend walking around my house with mini alcohol bottles and fun size candy bars pretending I`m a giant.
Batman had the bat signal. If you need to get my attention, hold a Roast Beef Sandwich over a floor lamp and aim it at my apartment.
It`s funny how many people I have in my phones contact list who all have the same name Do Not Answer.
I`m on a whiskey diet. So far I`ve lost 3 days.