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I think it`s safe to assume that people buying stock in twitter have never actually been on twitter.
I was sitting on the toilet when the guy in the stall next to me started smoking. Disgusting . . . I nearly couldn’t finish my sandwich.
Laundry is like sex in reverse: you drop in a load, everything gets wet, then rolls around and ends up dry and neatly folded.
For once I`d like to see "It`s been a crappy year, mainly cause your were part of it"
They say when life gives you lemons….but what if life hands you a rather large banana? What then, my friend? What then?
Ladies, how do I work my man boobs and get out of a ticket? Quick, she`s coming.
Saying “sounds good” is probably the nicest way to abruptly end a conversation.
Anytime my boss leaves her office, I sneak in there and fart.
I have a few skeletons in my closet. But, every single one of them deserved it.
At this age, I drive everything like I stole it because sometimes I forget which car is mine.
Amnesia sounds so relaxing.
Me blacking out when I`m drunk is God`s way of telling me that what I do when I drink is none of my business.
Single ladies, stop saying you should just give up & get a cat , if no man wants you , don`t force an innocent cat to live with you..
Since 4th of July falls on a Wednesday do we drink the weekend before? the weekend after? That Wednesday? The entire week? The entire month? The entire year?
If you wake up with a chick and you dont know her name, take her to starbucks, they`ll write it on the cup.