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I don`t think my blind date was blind, she read the menu and caught the basketball I threw at her
I am sorry I had feelings. I`ll replace them with jokes right away.
Saying "I`m offended" is basically telling the world you can`t control your own emotions so everyone else should do it for you.
Attention...my facebook page has been hacked. But everyone seems to like the new guy better, me too actually...so fvck it!
Stop complaining about being single on Valentine`s Day. We have bigger problems in this world. Like why McDonald`s doesn`t serve breakfast after 10.30
I met this girl in a club last night, I think she’s a body builder. She just so happened to build hers using chips.
And by "whatever" I mean f*ck you.
How many HA’s equal a LOL? How about a LMAO? Is there a conversion chart somewhere?
I should eat more healthy, but we all saw how that whole apple thing went for Adam & Eve.
“Let’s hang out sometime.” - liars
Found out the name of my neighbor`s cat. In other news, I now have free internet.
Some people should use a glue stick instead of chap stick.
that an iPhone 6+ in your pocket? Or are you just happy to see me?
My life is a constant battle of preventing my muffin top from becoming a pound cake.
Dear women at Walmart with 6 screaming kids: if your wondering how that box of condoms got in your cart.... Your welcome!