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So tell me, does it hurt to be so full of sh!t?
Finally did it. 25 inflatable mattresses later and I’ve finally turned my apartment into a bounce castle.
Whenever someone tells me they like country music, I just look them in the eyes and ask "which country?"
Are you watching too much T.V but not doing enough reading? Turn your subtitles on.
A friend of mine asked what it`s like to raise a small toddler so I coughed directly in his mouth
They say swearing is due to limited vocabulary. I know thousands of words, but I still prefer`f*ck off` to `go away`.
I`m always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank
I don`t think we do get smarter as we get older. I just think we run out of stupid things to do.
I´ll never be old enough to know better.
A lie is just a great story that someone ruined by telling the truth.
I`m having trouble telling if it`s killing me or making me stronger
There’s always that last setting on your windshield wipers that makes you go “damn, calm the f*ck down!”
I`m getting tired of having to write "Sent from my iPhone" at the end of all my e-mails. Maybe I should just get an iPhone.
I just made an emergency survival kit. You know, for emergencies. It looks like all my other kits, but don`t be fooled; this one is red and has more liquor.
It`s always the rednecks that know all the inner most conspiracies of the government.