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Before I got married I didn`t even know there was a wrong way to put the milk back in the fridge
Relax, we`re all crazy. It`s not a competition.
Technically, Humpty Dumpty died a crack head
Didn`t sleep much but I got a few solid hours of worrying done.
Always be yourself, unless you suck…and if you suck you should try being more like me.
The proper way to use a stress ball is to throw it at the last person to piss you off.
Dearest Neighbors, Please do not call the police, it`s not domestic violence or a wild party. It`s football season, that`s just me screaming at my TV.
If you win a years supply of calendars, you would only win 1 calendar.
Flu (noun) - The only time when having used tissues laying next to your bed is socially acceptable.
I’m not getting old. I’m becoming a classic.
Give up, itsy-bitsy spider. It wasn`t meant to be.
My daughter asked me why I carry a gun inside the house. I told her I was scared of the CIA. She laughed. I laughed. Amazon Echo laughed.
You seem to have a good grip on reality. You`re new here, aren`t you?
Just stopped by my old high school and updated my phone number on all the bathroom stalls.
I wouldn`t say I`m a stalker so much as I am a covert observation enthusiast.