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I don`t know who I feel more sorry for.. myself for never being able to find where I parked my car?.. or the poor bastards following me through the parking lot hoping to take my parking space...
Tonight’s forecast. Mostly drunk with a slight chance of passing out.
The term "I paid GOOD money for that!" is soo silly..Honestly, have you ever seen BAD money? NOT ME !!!
My new plan is to ignore my problems until they become hilarious stories.
My taste in music ranges from, "You need to listen to this" to "I know, please don`t judge me."
Accidentally used AOL.com, I betting the employees there are celebrating and think they have a sure future.
The next time there`s an awkward silence, try whispering, "Did you forget your line?"
Does the 5 second rule apply to soup? Please answer quickly!
Don’t get your panties in a bunch. The nicer ones are sold individually.
How am I supposed to get any work done with all this work I have to do?
The only thing I hate worse than holding a girl`s purse is when it doesn`t match what I`m wearing.
Sixth in line to the throne takes on a different meaning when you’re not in the royal family but in a dive bar.
Please tell me I’m not the only one who opens up their Hershey Kisses ever so gently so that the foil doesn’t tear.
I don`t even think it`s possible for a bear to cook porridge.
Don`t worry about walking a mile in my shows. Try a day thinking in head.