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Sometimes you run into people who change your life forever ... Bartenders, they are called bartenders.
To be truthful from deep down ... I don`t believe that paper beats rock.
Stop complaining about being single. We have bigger problems here. Like why McDonald’s doesn’t serve breakfast after 10:30.
One day, I will solve my problems with maturity. Today, however, it will be with alcohol.
I`m lucky to be broke at a time when minimalism and sustainability are in style.
Everybody values honesty, until they have an ugly baby.
Feeling so good today ... High-five the person next to you and tell them it`s from me.
Agreeing to disagree is lame. Let’s agree to take turns slapping each other until one of us admits we were wrong.
Kinda makes you wonder how many employees used to piss on their hands in the bathroom before management finally took action
I like confusing kids by telling them I`m older than the internet
I`d like to share my innermost thoughts and feelings with all of you, but I`m afraid they`ll be used against me in court someday.
A group hug in my family means someone wants to use you as a napkin.
Hey ladies, tired of your man complaining about how long it takes you to get ready? Start blow drying your hair in the nude. I promise no more complaints.
If it`s alcoholic anonymous. Why do the members stand up an in-troduce them selves?
Mini M&M`s - for when you just can`t finish an entire M&M