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Looking for one night stand! Probably need two! I have a lot of books
When your mother asks you if you`re sexually active, the correct response is: "No, I just lie there."
It’s fun to pull someone’s leg… but don’t ever pull their finger.
If an officer asks “do you know why I pulled you over?” “Because it’s the only way to get girls to talk to you” is a bad answer, apparently
Last year I won a $50 gift card to Chili`s at a Christmas raffle. ...... This year I`ve decided my Secret Santa gift is going to be a $14.37 gift card to Chili`s.
The TV is so loud! But not quite loud enough to make me get up and get the remote.
When life hands you lemons it should only remind you to buy more tequila, life is as simple as that.
You always remember your first Crush. Mine was Orange.
I finally quit eating pizza for good, now I only eat pizza for evil.
Somethings are best unsaid but my brain to mouth filter has never worked right.
I used to like my neighbors until they changed the password to their wi-fi :)
Half a dozen: because “six” is way to long.
And suddenly those annoying neighbors that leave their Christmas lights up all year long look like geniuses.
Whenever you`re powerless, remember: A single one of your pubic hairs can shut down a restaurant.
Good thing I`m judged on my actions and not my thoughts.