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Some call it alcoholism, I call it "keeping my emotions hydrated"
I don`t care how the future pans out, any amazon delivery from now on is referred to as a drone strike.
Remember way back when the only thing that was annoying on your feed were game requests?
Just changed my dating profile headline to: “Seeking rich old men with bad hearts and no relatives” …crossing my fingers.
Call me crazy, but I don`t think I really need to be in this mental institution.
Sometimes when someone appears to be hailing a cab, I go up and high five their hand because you can never be too sure.
Don’t ask a girl where she wants to eat. Tell her to guess where you’re taking her to eat. Then take her to her first guess.
My plan for today? Same as always: Drink coffee and be sexy.
You know what would make this Vodka & cranberry better? The Bahamas.
Spring cleaning: The term that gives us an excuse to only clean once a year.
How does one get suspended with full pay and benefits? Asking for a friend who is actually me.
That awkward moment when you leave a store without buying anything and all you can think is "act natural, you`re innocent".
When a male octopus finds a mate, he rips off his happy place and throws it at the female octopus so she can inseminate herself. Then the male grows a new happy place. If that isn`t the most epic way to tell someone to go $*&# themselves, I don`t know what is!
A dating site based on Netflix viewing compatibility.
"There are singles in your area." - me telling a stripper she forgot some money on the floor