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I go to a gym called Resolutions. It has exercise equipment for the first 2 weeks of each year, then becomes a bar for the remaining 50.
The problem with diets is pizza.
Ladies: if you argue with your man naked, you will win every single time.
We`re shutdown, but not `stop collecting taxes` shutdown. - the government
I should come with a warning label.
I`m just saying it might be a good idea for Liam Neeson`s to take his family members to the vet and get them microchipped.
My bed is a magical place where I suddenly remember all the things I was suppose to do.
Facebook: The only place where you get excited when strangers follow you.
Went shopping alone and the cashier asked, "How are you guys doing?" Now I`m 90% sure he can see ghosts and one is following me around.
Wow....turns out I`m NOT a Ninja. That really hurt.
Fact: No one has ever "Jumped in the shower."
I`ve decided!! I’m giving up my New Years resolutions for Lent.
Notice how writers don’t rewrite books, how about we stop remaking movies.
Iam not as THINK as you DRUNK iam!!
One problem with auto-correct is that you always end up posting some thong you didn`t Nintendo.