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Shouldn`t there have been one scene in The Karate Kid where Daniel`s mom was like "Why are you constantly in that old man`s shed?"
Helpful Tip: When your wife ask whats on TV, don`t say dust.
If you don’t feel just a little bit of shame after the weekend… you’re not doing it right.
I think I`m gonna glue my thumbs to my nipples and pretend I`m a T-Rex.
I was going to get a lot of stuff done tonight, but I didn`t. Because, you know...beer.
Where have you been all my life? ... Please go back there.
What supermarket did the pilgrims visit to purchase their canned gelatin cranberry sauce? I want my Thanksgiving to be authentic.
My goal is to move just enough each day that no one pokes me to see if I`m dead.
A lot of people don`t know this, but you can quietly like or dislike Obama.
I`m perfect you adjust.
What an intoxicated Schwarzenegger might say to a police officer: "I`m an IDIOT you COP!"
I got in touch with my inner child and the little sh!t hung up on me.
"Are you completely sure this isn`t textable?" - the perfect voicemail prompt
Of course women have cleaner minds than men. They change them much more often
Well, if you`re going to question my reputation and credentials as a gynecologist,I suggest you get the hell out of my office van.