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I shouldn`t have to work. People should just pay me for being awesome.
I wouldn`t say I`m an alcoholic. I`d slur it.
I`ll never understand why the guy that invented braille didn`t just put the dots in the shape of the actual letters.
If you think your wife is crazy now. Wait untill you divorce her.
Turns out if you fake your death every monday work catches on.
I was going to get a lot of stuff done tonight, but I didn`t. Because, you know...beer.
Mashed potatoes really beg the question: “what else could we massively improve by squashing the hell out of it?”
Peppermint Schnapps, the mouthwash you can swallow
If your that person that makes microwave popcorn at work, nobody likes you.
Just printed out 50 copies of today`s weather forecast to carry around with me today because I`m just not in the mood for small talk.
received a call saying that my son had been lying in school, and was being expelled. I don´t have a son. That kid is one damn good liar.
The only thing more amusing than someone leaving a voicemail is them asking if you actually listened to it.
What if firemen acted like policemen and just drove around shooting water at anyone who looked like they might catch on fire.
Pro tip: Go the the gym on one of those 1 day free passes, take 365 selfies then post one every day.
My wife accused me of spending too much time on Facebook. That’s funny, when did I get a wife?