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How is it that when you are dead and a zombie you can rip open a man`s ribcage, but when you are alive you struggle with a bag of chips?
Jack Frost go away, come again another day. I need some sun, I need some sand, I need an island & a band. I`m bored with you & tired of the cold, so go away your getting old. Bring on the sun at one hundred degrees, some coconut oil & pina coladas please
Delete cookies? Why on Earth would I want to do that?! I LOVE COOKIES
You question whether you are getting old when your barber asks if your eyebrows need trimming, and you know it when he does it without asking
Sometimes I whisper, "I´m on your side" to the computers, just in case they ever succeed in taking over the world.
Watching game shows is like watching porn, you get excited watching someone else get lucky
My inner self is in Photoshop
If you`re stuck in a group text, one easy way to get out is to throw your phone in the ocean and start a new life.
I never said I hated you. I just said that if you where on fire, I would consider roasting marshmallows. Big difference.
Q.Teacher: why do we drink water? A. Learner : Because we cant eat it!
It took me quite some time to be this good a procrastinator
I`m losing my mind, but as long as I keep the part that tells me when I gotta pee, I should be OK
Having a bad day? Imagine a T-Rex trying to masturbate. you`re welcome.
I’m not saying I’m psychic, but I’m positive I will have no interest in what you’re about to say.
DAAAAY-OH! DAAaay-oh! Monday come and me wanna go home.