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My driver`s side window stopped working,,,, So yeah,, I`m probably gonna starve to death..
I’m crazy but not “LeBron is better than Jordan” crazy.
I always get hammered before I go jogging, that way I never go jogging.
I hope I never have to run for my life. It wouldn’t end well.
You know you’re awesome when you know you’re awesome.
Gift cards are still the best way to say "I`m too lazy to think of a good gift and I think you`ll buy drugs if I give you cash."
May your life be as awesome as you pretend it is on Facebook.
Even if your not successful in life , You are guaranteed to get two certificates
I need a "previously on your life" recap for the things I didn`t pay attention to.
Picture a scavenger hunt where the only items on the list are "your house keys" and "your house." Well, son, that`s what drinking is like.
Remember, I`m always here if you need shoulders for your ankles to lie on.
Haircuts are great because I did none of the work but get all of the credit.
You may think I`m a loser, but to my goldfish, I`m the god of flakes.
When I`m bored, I like to superglue Doritos to my cat and make it run around the house like a stegosaurus.
I`m hungry, but I`m not `cook something` hungry.