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Strange new trend at the office. People putting names on food in the company fridge. Today I had a tuna sandwich named Kevin.
You guys ever trip out on the fact that Indian people eat Indian food for breakfast?
Not sure what to do with all the daylight we are saving.
I`m not crazy, I`m just special!!...No, wait...Maybe I am crazy. One second...I have to talk to myself about this, hold on...
Exercise makes you look better naked. Alcohol does the same, you pick..
Turning on your lights and siren after you lose a drag race is just poor sportsmanship.
I plucked my first gray hair today ... Man, that lady was upset.
No one`s going to do it for you. It`s up to you, to make naps a priority in your life.
I’m not a vegetarian but I eat animals who are.
I am fluent in three languages: English, Profanity, and Sarcasm
My ex has had a really hard time moving on. From what I can tell through his blinds, he is currently eating (something we always did)
Keep the dream alive: Hit the snooze button.
Alcohol – The best night time: slurring, headache, dehydration, drink spilling, charm killing, so you think you can dance “medicine.”
Why is it Donald Duck never wore pants but always had a towel wrapped around his waist when he got out of the shower?
I can`t turn water into wine, but I can turn vodka into dinner