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School is like an erection. It`s long and hard unless you`re Asian.
My kids don`t even know they have a grandma that gives them $100 on their birthdays
The best part about living in a small town is when I don`t know what I`m doing, someone else does.
Hey Journey, I stopped believing. What now?
Adulthood ā Pros: You can now eat ice cream in bed. Cons: This will somehow make you sadder.
People should be loved. Things should be used. Unfortunately, we have it backwards
My wife thinks I`m at work. My boss thinks I`m home sick. These ducks think I`m awesome because I have the bread.
Bathtub` spelled backwards is still `bathtub`. It`s not, but for a second there, you believed me.
Bad decisions and good stories or good decisions and no stories?
It`s called Wal-Mart because the Center for Disease Control was taken.
The closest I`ve ever come to eating better is eating butter.
If you tickle me, Iām not responsible for your injuries.
I may be wrong, but I doubt it.
When I said I like it rough I was talking about the sex, not the whole entire relationship...
My friend`s Jeep was broken into and she acted so surprised about it. Your car is held together by zippers! It`s as secure as my pants.