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I love running my fingers through my girlfriend`s hair. It`s also a great way to let her know we`re out of napkins.
If you see anything posted from me that involves something normal or appropriate, it is not me. I believe I`ve been hacked.
I always get naked before I get in bed so I don`t know why this lady at Sears is giving me a dirty look in the mattress section.
Don’t judge me…If you’re reading this then you aren’t working either.
Nice try Jehovah’s Witnesses but dressing up like cops and telling me you have a warrant is not going to get me to open my door.
Just googled "who gives a sh!t?" My name wasn`t in the search results.
In wine there is wisdom. In beer there is strength. In water there is bacteria. You decide.
If you`re having second thoughts, you`re 2 ahead of most people.
Single women come home, see what`s in the fridge and go to bed...while married women come home see what`s in the bed and go to the fridge.
Golf ball sized hail wouldn`t be as destructive if we just made golf balls a lot smaller.
Pringles should make their containers like a Push Up Pop.
My new dating profile just says "I`m tired of masturbating."
I dont think I could ever stab someone.. I barely can get the straw into a Capri Sun.
When sitting directly across from someone also using a laptop, I can`t stop myself from telling them, "you sunk my battleship!"
Here is a thought for all you mind readers out there…