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I put the o in illiterate!
How to make friends: 1. Tell people you have weed.
When the zombie apocalypse hits, I know EXACTLY who I`m tripping first...
They might want to put a picture of that airplane on a milk carton.
My minivan is always rocking, but it`s usually because I`m trying to smack one of the kids in the backseat while I drive.
The only thing I hate about beer is that there`s absolutely nothing I hate about beer... :)
If life gives you melons, you might be dyslexic.
Just ordered a Fitbit and my bank called to see if my card was stolen.
What happens in Vegas never happens to me
Coffee keeps me busy until it`s time to be drunk.
If anybody out there happens to have my voodoo doll, can u please scratch my balls. I happe to be in a public place at the moment.
An apple a day will keep anyone away ... if thrown hard enough.
Why do single women take dating advice from other single women? That`s like Stevie Wonder giving driving directions to Ray Charles.
Share this if you know someone who is alive today simply because you don`t want to go to prison.
I`m going to spend Valentine`s day with my ex.... Box 360