Daily Silly Status

You can learn a lot about a girl by ignoring her text messages.

When I hear a person say "My Mom didn`t raise no dummy", I feel like saying "She lied to you"

Drunk is when you feel sophisticated but can’t pronounce it.

I don`t know if I`ve got some free time, or if I just forgot what the hell I`m supposed to be doing...

Whenever I see people lined up outside a club on Friday night, I just think “look at all these poor people who don’t know Netflix exists.”

This goes out to the person who thought of the idea to put stickers on each and every piece of fruit. "Nobody like`s your idea"

I really want to take photos of my friends with their face smushed against glass.. Then make that pic my phone contact for them.. Then when they call, it will look like they`re trapped inside my phone! Oh god my life is pitiful, kill me..

The word "Saturday" has "turd" in it. Good luck trying to ignore that for the rest of your life, starting now.

If Facebook isn’t a drug then someone please explain to me why I sneak into the bathroom at work to use it.

Dear vegetarians, thanks for saving all the good food for us.

I`m so lonely that my cat owns a cat.

Friends are like condoms… they protect you when things get hard.

I`m good at counting cards. I keep ending up with 52.

You call it camping. I call it getting drunk with insects.

If we`re in a situation where I am the "voice of reason," then we are in a very very bad situation.