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Bologna sandwiches are parents way of saying... it`s my legal obligation to feed you something.
I hope I never get to the age when my body can forecast the weather.
We all need to take great interest in our future because we will spend the rest of our life there.
I hate it when I don`t forward a chain letter and I die the next day.
Ladies: Sometimes you just need to throw your arms up in the air and say, "Tie me up"
My superpower is getting behind the person who is obviously refinancing their mortgage at the ATM.
I tried jogging this morning, but the alcohol kept spilling out of my glass, f&ck that.
Flu (noun) - The only time when having used tissues laying next to your bed is socially acceptable.
Next time a conspiracy theorist says, "That`s what they want you to think," say, "No, but that`s what they wanted you to tell me."
My relationship is mostly me apologizing for saying something super bada$$ and hilarious
Is it just me or does the word "retweet" bring up images of Elmer Fudd commanding an army on the defensive?
What an intoxicated Schwarzenegger might say to a police officer: "I`m an IDIOT you COP!"
A friend like you is worth a million dollars. So, if you don’t mind…can I sell you? :D
As long as I remind myself "The b!tch had it coming" is not a valid court defense, I`ll be ok
Like a good neighbor,I don`t really care.