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When`s it gonna be the 4th of July? I feel like blowin somethin` up and not gettin` arrested.
I’m sorry, your photo is so confusing. You’re gonna need to hashtag every detail of it for me so I can grasp what’s going on here.
I`ve considered changing career paths and becoming a demolitions expert, but then I hear the education may cost me an arm and a leg.
I got this new calorie counting app ... Every day I go for a new high score ... Winning!
Next time you over hear a stranger giving out their number. Text them details of what they are wearing. It`s so fun to watch them freak out!
Based on how many times I`ve dropped my phone, I`m gonna hold off on the whole baby thing.
Since you no longer have a calendar I`d like to notify all the Mayans that it has been one year since the end of the world.
I’m hopelessly addicted to placebos ..I’d give them up, but it’d make no difference.
1, 2 Freddie´s coming for u 3, 4 better lock the door 5, 6 grab your crucifix 7, 8 gotta say up late 9, 10 never sleep again
Made some terrible life choices the last few years. Just kidding. I`m married and not allowed to make decisions.
You say mystery bruise, I say drinking badge of honor.
I only hate the people in front of me while checking out at the store. Everyone behind me is cool.
I`m astounded at how fast my "I survived Ebola" t-shirt got me to the front of the Black Friday lines this year..
Lessons learned from last night: There is no such thing as a goalie in darts.
I robbed a bank yesterday....now the question is, what to do with all that sperm....