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“They dared me to” is ALWAYS a valid excuse.
Let’s get naughty and save Santa the trip.
I often wondered what it`d be like to be married to an idiot. I asked my wife and she said you get used to it after a while...
Well aren`t you a f*cking waste of two billion years of evolution.
Going to tattoo shop to get both legs fully covered. Before he touches me with that needle, I run off yelling `thanks for the free shave loser!`
Heat makes things expand. So I don`t have a weight problem...I`m just HOT.
The bright side of getting attacked by a Cyclops is only having to use half the pepper spray.
Today is a great day. The mailman just delivered me an Iron Maiden cassette, which finally fulfills my Columbia House commitment.
I would probably die of sleep deprivation if Facebook added a dislike button
I want to live in a world where the Food Network delivers.
Facebook should have a limit on times you can change your relationship status... After 3 it should default to "Unstable"
I`m out like a fat kid playing dodge ball..
Reasons to date me: I laugh at my own jokes so you don`t have to.
No Grandma, "sausage fest" is not a new special breakfast at IHOP
You can’t please everyone, so you might as well just concentrate on me.