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Caught myself yelling "F*CK YOU" to my burrito for dripping on my pants, if you were wondering who`s raising the next generation.
How to tell if a woman is mad at you: 1.She`s quiet 2.She`s yelling 3.She acts the same 4.She acts different 5.She murdered you
My whole life consists of wondering whether or not to make the sarcastic comment.
Facebook is basically just you having a conversation with yourself hoping that someone else will join in.
When they say all expenses paid, does that include bail?
Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn`t much, but the reception was excellent.
I’m not brave. I’m just past the age where running is an option.
My credit card company called. They want me to leave home without it.
Teaching your dog to fetch a beer is smart. Fetching it from your neighbor`s house is genius.
Nothing says love like hearing a toilet flush on the other end of the phone.
I`m so glad my face doesn’t have a progress bar that shows how long it takes me to understand what someone is saying.
Success is like being pregnant. Everybody congratulates you, But nobody knows how many times you were ****** before you got there.
My Kid: Can we go to a haunted house this year? Me: What`s wrong with the one we live in? My Kid: WHAT?! Me: Goodnight, son.
Please please, keep talking. I always yawn when I`m interested...
80% of my life is pulling percentages out of thin air and stating them as facts...