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Strange new trend at the office. People putting names on food in the company fridge. Today I had a tuna sandwich named Kevin.
I`ve actually have come to the conclusion that some of today`s youth may actually believe "laughing out loud" is actually spelled "lol"
If you workout and don`t post a status about it on Facebook, do you still lose weight?
I have been snoring a lot lately and apparently my coworkers find it distracting
We will always have that special 5 minutes before I started creeping you out.
This beer tastes like Iām going to text you later.
On your birthday I think the Airlines should let you exit the plane on the inflatable slide.
"Just Be yourself" is something I rarely hear from people who know me well.
Not having any friends means I`m always the pretty one.
Nobody notices your pain, your happiness, your sadness, your state of mind. But everyone notices it when you fart in public
I told my girlfriend I`m Harry Potter`s Godfather... She laughed hard and said "you can`t be Sirius"
This Christmas, if you plan on jingling, please jingle ALL the way. Nobody likes or respects a half a$$ jingler.
Well, I`m going to take a hot shower. Its like a regular shower, but with me in it.
Remember, I`m always here if you need shoulders for your ankles to lie on.
You`re more inbred than sandwhich filler.