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This bulk box of peanuts I got from Costco tastes like styrofoam.
My brain is giving me the silent treatment
Imagine this: You`re home alone and you sneeze. Suddenly the phone rings and you answer, then someone whispers `Bless you` and hangs up.
The package says "Do not eat raw cookie dough" but all I really see is "Pillsbury hates you and doesn`t want you to be happy."
I’m great at remembering names. I just don’t remember which one’s yours.
I made a New Years Resolution to gain 20 lbs, so I can relish in the sense of accomplishment and success!
As i walk thru the valley of the shadow of death i was like what da f**k am i doin here
Whenever you feel sad, just remember that somewhere in this world there`s an idiot pulling a door that says "PUSH"..
At this point Washington DC is basically just an elaborate promotional stunt for Grand Theft Auto V.
Dear God, I´ve been very good today, no grumpy thoughts, no swearing and I haven´t been mean at all, but I´m about to get up now and I may need your help :)
“Be yourself” is the worst advice you can give to some people.
When your world is falling apart, when it seems like things can`t get any worse, please remember...I don`t give a s$it.
Give a man a beer and he wastes an hour, teach him how to brew, and he wastes a lifetime.
In heaven, the Cheez-Its are salted on both sides.
Just finished building Rome with Legos. Took me a day.