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Is it just me or when you turn off the computer by holding down the power button, it feels like I’m choking it to death.
So, when is this Old Enough To Know Better thing supposed to kick in?
I`m not sure if life is passing me by or trying to run me over.
I`m changing my voicemail greeting to: Please hang up and text me, thanks. ;)
My ex wife claims I have "commitment issues" like I didn`t just wait in line for 30 minutes to get a hot dog at Costco.
If you don`t give a f*ck then why you telling everybody?
Please, if I ever offend you, it’s because I meant to.
Went looking for camouflage underwear today.....couldn`t find any
I don`t think my neighbor knows my rule about not interacting unless we`re both pointing at the same tornado.
Whoever invented the 5 day work week and 2 day weekend can suck my a**!
It`s so frustrating when your hitman doesn`t answer the phone after you`ve made amends with someone
I knew we were gonna be friends when you ran into that wall.
I made a huge TO DO list for this weekend. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
If you`re going to give me dirty looks for being at the liquor store at 10am, don`t be open.
If there`s a "Mr." in front of your cat`s name you`re going to die alone.