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I’ve made some mistakes I wish I could make again.
Dear guys: Women don`t want pictures of your d!ck. Maybe try sending a screenshot of your bank statement and see where things go.
I gotta ask you a sirius question....do you know the muffen man
Well I was gonna donate blood today until the lady got all personal and started asking "who´s blood is this?" and "How did you get it?"
People with pierced nipples have no excuse for losing their keys.
There could be a ghost aggressively breakdancing next to you right now, and you`d have no Idea...
You know those people who get all excited and lovey with puppies at pet stores? Same. But I`m in a liquor store.
It`s not real love unless you leave your phone in plain sight overnight.
Just knowing that I have successfully pissed you off again makes my day.
What if "I`m coming out with a new scent" was just a way for famous people to warn others that they were about to fart?
More people would call the Gambling Addicts Helpline if they made every 5th caller a winner.
Sobriety and I have agreed to see other people today
Facebook crushes are all fun and games until someone buys a plane ticket.
I started to keep a notepad beside the bed so that I can write down post at night, so far I have: Really shitty handwriting in the dark.
Research shows that 100% of the time when someone says “oh no she didn’t!” she most definitely did.