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Some call it alcoholism, I call it "keeping my emotions hydrated"
Teens today have it so easy. We didn`t have self-checkout lanes when we bought condoms.
I never get nervous or embarrassed. That`s just some sh*t that sober people who leave the house have to worry about.
Sometimes I wonder how people who don`t have kids get their TV remotes from the other side of the room.
Yes I walked away mid-conversation. You were boring me to death and my survival instincts kicked in.
United Airlines.... Board as Doctor, leave as patient.
Rough day! I have now completed the top 6 things off my to-do list ... Time to go get another six pack I guess.
My car rides usually consist of playing my music on random, then pressing “next” about 400 times.
“I don’t know why people dislike jury duty. I think being able to play god with others’ lives sounds fun!” – How I got out of jury duty
Everything I need to know in life I learned in kindergarten... if you poop your pants they let you go home.
It`s always the darkest before dawn. So if you are going to steal your neighbor`s newspaper that`s the best time to do it.
When buying a flat screen tv, always remember to put the box in your neighbor’s trash so you don’t get robbed.
Don`t feel bad if you don`t enjoy my posts. The important thing to remember is that I do. I enjoy all of them. That`s what matters.
It kinda makes sense that the target audience for fidget spinners lost interest in them so quickly
If you love someone, set them free. If they don’t come back, text them when you’re drunk.