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If you listen real closely, you can hear my alarm clock laughing as I set it.
Spoiler alert: this milk expired five days ago
I´m the kind of person that when my feet hit the ground each morning the devil says, "OH CRAP, HE´S UP"!
Wanna come over tonight for pizza and sex? lol jk, there`s no pizza
Who cares about throwing stones? How do people in glass houses hide when somebody knocks on the door?
I either get what I want or I change my mind!
No PornHub, I would NOT like to share this video with my friends and family on Facebook.
There is a 100% chance that I’ve called some of the most wonderful people in the world the most horrible things imaginable while in traffic.
You know you`re poor when you sneak into Sam`s Club with some random family just to eat samples for lunch. Yay... Christmas
I can`t go to sleep if any of my apps need to be updated, but will drive my car with the check engine light until it explodes
I’m convinced that the employees of McDonalds were just customers who could pay and are working off their bills.
I stopped paying my car payments to concentrate on my dream of appearing on a Repo show.
Me: You’re the prettiest girl I’ve ever seen. Her: You just want to have sex with me. Me: And you’re smart too, I like that.
You know who your true friends are when they call you at 3AM just to tell you they love you and that their drunk...
Is it ok to ask a very pregnant librarian if she`s overdue?