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You can`t fix stupid but you can divorce it
Just saw a cop pull over a U-Haul truck. I think he is trying to bust a move.
I can`t afford Disney World so we go to the biggest hill on my street and my kids wait an hour before I roll them down in my office chair.
I`m going to buy a new dictionary. After watching Final Destination 5, I clearly don`t understand the meaning of Final.
Can someone else be a sex symbol today? ... My good T-shirt is still in the wash...
I don’t trust joggers, it’s a little too convenient that they are always the ones to discover dead bodies.
I`ve been told that I can be condescending... that means that I tend to talk down to people.
What kind of jerk makes an anti-anxiety pill difficult to break in half?
I hate it when you can’t find your phone because you left it someplace stupid like in the car or your non-dominant hand.
You`ll never see me on Hoarders because I can`t afford that much sh!t.
I’ve been texting so much lately that I move my thumbs from side to side when I’m actually talking to someone.
Easy come, easy go describes my last 12 cases of beer and 17 relationships.
I would unfriend you but I enjoy laughing at your life.
You know it was a good sh!t when you come back and your screensaver is on.
A 4-way stop is an IQ test you take in public.