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I carry a knife, but it’s just in case of cake.
My friend works at the morgue and apparently tonight is open mike night.
If your girlfriend claims to never look at your Facebook profile, change your status to "single" and wait 5 minutes.
You never realize what you have till its gone... Toilet paper is a good example.
It`s all fun and games until the cops show up.
I just apologized to my wife for something she did wrong. Marriage is fun.
New word of the day: Stupidiot!!
Facebook prank #23 Go in everynight and change your birthday to the next day...then see how long it takes for people to catch on....
I’m not stupid. I’m just too lazy to show how smart I am.
Lord, help me be the person my psychiatrist medicates me to be.
ATTENTION LADIES: I will now be downgrading expectations from someone I can love to someone I can tolerate. Act now while this amazing deal still lasts!
I should come with a warning label.
It`s all fun and games...unless there`s cookies, then it`s serious
Finally got this fire hydrant open, but there was like, the opposite of fire inside
I was in my kitchen cleaning when suddenly I realized OMG! ... I`m late for Facebook!!