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Working from home means I save money on train tickets and pants, but spend more on vodka and pizza.
Never make an arm wrestle bet with a guy who has been single for longer than 6 months.
"Dancing with the Stars" is being canceled, but tune in to a new reality show by the same creators called, "Athletes do your Taxes."
When I bust a move , it stays busted.
I`d be vegetarian ... if bacon grew on trees.
A sheep walks into a bar. Lots more sheep follow, the barman counts them and falls asleep, the sheep help themselves to free drinks. Genius.
Doctors waiting room needs some music. And better lighting. And more women. And a pole in the middle of the room. And a buffet.
I`d like to read an obituary that says "He laid down the boogie and played that funky music till he died."
Apologising does not mean you are wrong and the other person is right, it just means you value your relationship more than your ego.
They say when you meet the right one you will know right away. But why does it take 3 years to know it’s the wrong one?
When asked `What would you bring with you to a deserted island`, how come no one ever replies, `A boat.`?
Oh, so you are thinking about me? I am also thinking about myself.....
Using Romeo & Juliet to express how in love you are is like using Hamlet to show how close and well adjusted your family life is.
My advise to all the young people out there, "Do not grow up; it`s a trap!!"
I surveyed 100 women on what shampoo they prefer while showering 95% said How the hell did you get in here!!!