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Nothing makes me turn off my car and start leisurely Facebooking than someone honking at me to pull out of a parking space.
How to break up with someone: You: Your ex is attractive. Partner: Which one? You: ME. You: BYEEEE
When I see people drinking at 11 am on a Friday I`m like, where do you work and are they hiring?
Thank you for informing me that you have a stick figure family of 6 and a dog. Your minivan had me under the impression that you were wild and single.
I dont know whats more awkward, answering Dora, or sitting in silence while she stares at you.
Things people say after watching a movie: 5% - I can’t wait for the sequel. 5% - That was a great movie. 5% - That was a complete waste of money. 85% - I gotta pee!!
There is a 100% chance that I’ve called some of the most wonderful people in the world the most horrible things imaginable while in traffic.
If you can`t celebrate Valentine`s Day with someone you love, forget about it at a bar that you like...
Wearing my pajamas to Walmart. I don`t want to attract any attention.
Porn is the only type of entertainment where "not watching the whole thing" means it was good.
Trust me, I am a liar.
My brain has too many tabs open.
I purposely cry while cutting carrots so onions don`t think they`re ugly or something.
There damn well better be strippers & beer at my intervention because there is no way in hell I`m sitting through that sober!
There are 10 types of people in the world, Those that understand binary, and those who don`t.