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Making an effort in the last of 2014 to cut away distractions so I can spend more time with my iPhone.
I`ve been holding my stomach in for 3 years now so don`t talk to me about dedication
Remember way back when the only thing that was annoying on your feed were game requests?
Girls here is an idea.. instead of spending that much money on make up just buy your guy a bottle of Jack Daniels.
My secret fantasy is to have two women at the same time, one cooking and one cleaning.
Going to tattoo shop to get both legs fully covered. Before he touches me with that needle, I run off yelling `thanks for the free shave loser!`
Why is the guy who serves you at the restaurant called a waiter, when it is you that is waiting?
Iām pretty sure I could start a new life with only the crap in my car.
If I say sorry I missed you, better look really close the next time you cross the street, I don`t miss twice.
Jesus, take the wheel. Carlos, you take the stereo & I`ll take lookout.
How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?
Every time I see a pregnant woman, I very much want to ask if she swallowed a watermelon seed.
What does it mean when you sit next to an elderly woman on the bus and she shakes her head and makes the sign of the cross?
Next time you ride on a roller coaster, take some spare bolts with you and just as it starts to move, tap the person in front of you and say, "these just fell out of your seat."
My sex life is just like my typing skills. One handed.