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Everyone around me keeps telling me I`m mean ... Which is absurd ... Plus, they`re ugly.
I just leased a 2013 lamborghini, no payments till January. Those f@kin Mayans better be right.
Today is the day I go back to the gym. Tomorrow is when I stop telling lies.
If you’re going to walk really slowly in front of me you should at least have the courtesy to have a slammin booty.
I have an oven with a "stop time" button. It´s probably meant to be "stop timer" but I don´t touch it, just in case.
The worst part of quitting drinking is how few excuses you have for your behavior
You know it`s cold outside when during rush hour you get the mitten instead of the finger.
Every-time I walk over a sewer grate I look down into it hoping to catch a glimpse of a Ninja Turtle
I`m getting tired of having to write "Sent from my iPhone" at the end of all my e-mails. Maybe I should just get an iPhone.
You know you can`t say "happiness" without saying "p*nis"
Look up procrastinator on Wikipedia. There’s a picture of me. Well there isn’t yet, but there will be. Probably by tomorrow. Maybe Tuesday.
Soon ovens will come with webcams and wireless connections so that posting photos of your dinner will be even easier.
Not every flower can say love, but a rose did. Not every plant can survive thirst, but a cactus did. Not every dummy can read, but look at you go...... *high 5*
I haven`t seen any new Bigfoot pictures in a while... I hope he`s OK.
I feel that being a smarta$$ is my duty. The pay sucks, but the work is very rewarding.