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Your kid is running around the store screaming at the top of his lungs annoying everyone and I`m the a$$hole for tripping him?
Talked to someone in person today....what a pain in the a$$ that was!
My wife gives me the speaking treatment.
I tried being awesome today, but I was just so tired from being awesome yesterday.
"I wish people would start doing ice bucket challenges again" - said no one ever!
Today is national I don`t feel like doing sh!t today. Celebrate accordingly.
I want to live in a world where the Food Network delivers.
Ladies first. Because it might be dangerous.
Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else...
This chick I met last week says she wants a guy who is `funny and spontaneous`, yet when I tap on the kitchen window uninvited late at night dressed as a clown it`s all pantic and screaming.
A spider just tried to crawl across my hand and now Googling how to extract a fork from bone without causing more damage.
There are sick days, paid holidays, and vacation days. What about "Don`t have any gas to make it to work days"
How can you tell if someone went to the gym? Don’t worry, they’ll tell you.
I sent off for some information on my family tree. They sent me back a packet of seeds and suggested it would be in my best interest that I just start over.
I automatically assume you`re fat if your Facebook picture is a car