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I like to sit outside on campus at night in my 1940s clothes and when people say things to me, I say "You can see me?"
I am out of wine, so I ate a bag of grapes and threw myself down the stairs.
When you`re accused of buying someone a gift last-minute at Walgreens, don`t reveal you actually went to Walgreens a month ago.
That awkward moment, when you wake up with one sock on.
the difference between people and celebreties ...... celebreties don`t have a routine
There`s no mirrors in this self checkout?!?
Sorry I said "Better you than me" when you showed me your baby.
If your that person that makes microwave popcorn at work, nobody likes you.
"The more the merrier": My excuse for extra food.
Helping my kid study for her geology exam, and apparently `hard` `classic` and `punk` are not the 3 different types of rock.
Everyone picks their nose at some point, it`s what you choose to do next that defines who you are as a person.
I`ve spotted six Pokémon today but I don`t have the game so I may need new meds...
Some life lessons are so profound; you only need to do them one time. Putting Icy Hot on my balls, for example …
Mix it up a little. Text a random phone number the following msg: "The fat one won`t fit into the woodchipper. What do you want me to do?"
Pretty impressed at petrol station today, as i was filling up, i heard woman with truck at next pump say is that Vin Diesel, I smiled, then realised she meant Van Diesel :-/