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The face jewelry is getting out of hand. I saw a guy today that looked like he had done a face plant in a tackle box.
Just found some old sex coupons I got from an ex for my b-day. Any of you ladies take competitor`s coupons?
I appreciate your help, but no thanks, I can f*ck up my life on my own.
Stall Cleaning service, Satisfaction guaranteed or 100% or you manure back!
Why do prostitutes charge per hour? I mean, what are we supposed to do for the other 57 minutes?
What if aliens only abduct crazy people, because nobody will ever believe them?
I`m trying to cut back on posting pics to Instagram, so I`m not going to eat anymore.
Now that I`m turning 40, I need to be careful about what I eat and drink and make sure I am getting my nutrients. That is why I just added pulp-free Orange Juice to my Vodka.
Just washed my car with the squeegee at the gas station.
I`m a firm believer that if something takes 10 minutes to cook on 200 degrees then it should only take 5 minutes to cook on 400 degrees
Liam Neeson trained Batman, Obi Wan, and Darth Vader. He is both Aslan and Zeus…and he punches wolves. Why would you kidnap his family?
So Stevie Wonder is going to become father to triplets next year. I guess he didn`t see that coming...
I have an eating disorder; I`m about to eat dis order of fries, dis order of wings, and dis order of nuggets.
Some families are like Snickers Bars. Mostly sweet, with a few nuts!
The best part about pooping with the bathroom door open in the morning is being able to see everyones face at Starbucks.