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If I meet you for a date and you don`t look anything like your pic, you`re buying drinks for me until you do.
I shook the vending machine until my chips fell, so yeah, I’m a hunter-gatherer.
Apparently when a trainer asks you why you want to get in shape and you answer "revenge" it will raise a couple eyebrows.
I think most of my friends hang out with me to see what I’ll say next.
Remember kids- Respect your fathers! Besides, before you came out of your moms, you came out of your dad.
"No! Don`t go into the church! Nooo!" ... "Honey, what movie are you watching?" ... "Our wedding video."
I wonder how often I’ve narrowly avoided death without even noticing.
You can`t fix stupid, but you can always drink more beer.
I wear a ski mask to bed so if there`s a home invasion the intruder will think I`m part of the team.
First you`re telling me to be myself, then you`re telling me to stop being an idiot. Make up your mind!
What doesn`t kill you, makes you stronger... except for lions, lions will definitely kill you.
Remember when everyone died before gluten-free bread?
Being a Zombie doesn`t sound that bad. You don`t have a job and your entire day is spent looking for things to eat. Shit, I do that now.
The best way to hang up on someone is to do it in the middle of your own sentence, that way they will just think you lost service.
I got my panties all in a bunch ... You know those Wal Mart 10 pack cotton bundles.