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Hell hath no fury like me when I’m slightly inconvenienced and hungry.
When life gets you down, just remember: It’s never too early or too late for a nap.
I am busier than a one legged man in an arse kicking contest.
I`m really good at making poor decisions. You`re my favorite so far.
Parenting tip: if you beat one child with the other child you can tell people they were just fighting. You`re welcome
I would like to be a Disney Princess...You know, where I have random animals showing up to help with the housework!
I just realized that when I murder someone my neighbors will describe me as "quiet"
When everything else fails... you always have delusion.
God knew that there would be times that a single middle finger wouldn`t be enough.
How to cuss a kid out... "Shut the fudge up you little astronaut! You son of a batch of cookies! What the helicopters are you doing?!"
I hope I die doing something extreme like climbing Mt. Everest or telling a woman I don`t like her new haircut.
My wife and I have been happily married for two years. 1997 & 2004
My favorite part of seeing someone I know in public is pretending I didn’t.
DO NOT expect a "Bless You" after your 3rd sneeze. Get that sh!t under control.
If you’re keeping score in your relationship, I promise you, you’re losing.