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“Over my dead body” doesn’t mean “no.” It means I get to do what I want and as a bonus I get to kill you.
My wife said she expects the house to be clean by the time she walks in the door so I changed all of the locks.
Do people smoke e-cigarettes after sexting?
It`s a beautiful Spring day to get outside and stare at your phone.
My car broke down outside a massage parlor on today ... And again tomorrow.
I’m considering becoming a mind reader ... What are your thoughts?
The Never Ending Story should`ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
You call them “cuss words.” I choose to call them “sentence enhancers.”
Why would I dance like nobody`s watching? People need to see this.
Zoning out is your brain’s way of saying “You look bored. Let me take you to a better place.”
I`d care more about your feelings if they came with a toy and chicken nuggets.
The only b word you should call a woman is beautiful. B!tches love to be called beautiful.
Whenever I think of a funny status I always get a pen and write it down so I can use it later, and if the pen is too far away I just convince myself that it wasn’t that funny anyway.
"you failed just as much as your dads condom."
It`s only a matter of time until "Security cameras of Wal-Mart" become a hit reality show.