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Roses are red Your thong is pink Cover that up You`re not as hot as you think.
Tonight I plan on drinking until I`m someone else`s problem
I don`t really work, I just kinda stand around and be awesome.
I would like to congratulate my ex`s new boyfriend on giving up blow jobs.
SOCIAL WORKER: cop without a gun, judge without a gavel.
Video Game Logic: Everyone worse than me is my bitch and everyone better than me has no life.
Unless your "Awesome Sauce" is an actual sauce and it involves putting it on a steak then I don`t want to hear about it.
Guys would stay home longer if boobs came in a 30 pack.
My friend told me he`s going to have a sex change. Apparently, he just wants to eat, drink, and be Mary.
Every time someone says "Have a nice day!", I yell "DON`T F**KING TELL ME WHAT TO DO!"
Due to Global Warming Santa will be giving out Solar Panels to all the naughty kids this year!
No matter what`s happening there`s always part of me that would rather be taking a nap or drinking.
You bring the friendship, I`ll bring the benefits.
To calculate the average number of times a guy has sex per week, multiply the number of fantasy football leagues he`s in by the number zero.
A bachelor party seems more appropriate after a divorce than before a wedding.