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It took dozens and dozens of flushes and a plunger, but my guinea pig`s funeral is finally over.
I totally tricked this woman into sleeping with me. All I had to do was put a ring on her finger and live with her for the rest of my life.
Highway to Hell is a great song because you can play it at both your wedding and your funeral.
My wife was afraid of the dark......then she saw me naked.........now she is afraid of the light.
Haiku`s confuse me / Too often they make no sense / Hand me the pliers
When Life rains on your parade, get out the Slip-n-Slide.
I’m thinking of leaving my body to science. Even scientists need a good laugh now and then.
For the record, you`ll need a turntable needle.
“we should hang out soon” loosely translates to I’m doing everything in my power to end this stupid conversation.
What did the sushi say to the bee? Wasabi.
Every family has a plastic bag full of plastic bags.
I hate when people stare at me and don’t say anything. I mean if you want an autograph or a picture just ask..!
If you`re in WalMart and you`re holding in a fart, just remember, YOU`RE IN WALMART!!
I always wear a wedding ring when I go grocery shopping, so everyone thinks my cart full of groceries are for a family of 4 instead of just me
I had a bit of a lazy day sitting in my underwear looking for jobs online. My boss was furious.