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If I had a time machine, I’d probably just use it so I wouldn’t have to throw out so many bananas.
I just saw a giant spider in my room so I sprayed it with hairspray. It`s not dead, but its hair looks fabulous.
I might be a day late and a dollar short, but it is still my personal best.
I am tired of men complaining about women complaining about men complaining about women
I don`t know why Coca-Cola and Pepsi are fighting over what Santa drinks, everybody knows that big fat belly can only come from beers.
I wonder if the clouds ever look down on us and say "Hey look! ...that one`s shaped like an idiot!"?
He is proud of himself. He finished a jigsaw puzzle in 6 months and the box said 2-4 years.
No Girlfriend November was a success, now for Don`t Date December, Just Me January, Forever Alone February, No Match March..... I got this.
Sometimes I go on Google Earth and just spin the sh!t out of the world & pretend I`m making everyone really dizzy.
One day I will solve all problems with grace & maturity. Today is not that day...
How do nudist clean their glasses?
Impressing the McDonald’s drive thru people with my music is always a top priority.
some mornings i wish i could sneak up behind my alarm clock and say, "HOW DOES IT FEEL?!!"
"User Friendly" is just another way of saying stupid.......
You want to see Americans become activists? Cancel a TV show they like.