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Black ice is just like regular ice except it dies first in movies.
I had s*x with my friend`s wife last night and now I feel awful. She must have had the flu or something.
This is a test of the emergency broadcast system. Were this to be an actual emergency you’d be screwed, because no one takes this seriously.
I`ve been building my own particle accelerator. Plan to create a boson particle. Explore the mysteries.....you know what? This is a lot of work. Think I`m just going to have a beer and play Call of Duty.
Just found a hole in my sock and now I`m worried that the whole drawer might be pregnant.
Facebook is proof that people should not be allowed to name themselves.
Just because you have a beard doesn`t mean you`re a man. Last time I checked vaginas can grow hair too.
I hate it when people exaggerate my mistakes and make it seem like I’ve commited a crime.
Why do people with bad breath always have to tell me secrets???
If the Dollar Store ever starts selling alcohol....drinks are on me.
“we should hang out soon” loosely translates to I’m doing everything in my power to end this stupid conversation.
I already know that I`m going to hell ... At this point it`s really go big or go home.
Sometimes I think "Screw this ... I`ll just be a stripper!"
"You`re going to love my friend. He`s hilarious." is still the best way to know you`re about to meet an annoying person.
Whenever I start feeling spontaneous, my bank account quietly reminds me to calm the f*ck down. -Bfanch