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They say money can`t buy you happiness, but I`ve got a receipt from the liquor store telling a whole different story.
People that say “money doesn’t buy happiness” obviously have never been divorced.
It’s 2013, why does good food still have calories.
I don`t have issues... I AM an issue
WHAT DO WE WANT!!! A cure for hangovers WHEN DO WE WANT IT!!! Please stop yelling
It’s not you. It’s me finally realizing that you’re terrible.
Bumper stickers are helpful for recognizing members of society you do not want to associate with.
The number one reason why trick or treating is better than sex is, you can do the whole neighborhood.
No one ever reads the rules of Monopoly unless an argument breaks out.
This oatmeal tastes like I`m gonna need a doughnut.
I`m not saying your cat doesn`t care about you, I`m saying if Lassie was a cat, Timmy would still be in that well.
If the cup is only half full, I suggest buying a smaller bra.
We’ve solved so many world problems, and yet chocolate still has calories.
Ladies...when I say bless you after a sneeze, just say Thank you, instead of wondering where in the bushes that just came from.
It is impossible to look cool while holding onto a leash attached to a dog who is taking a crap.