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The roof of my mouth just healed from that Hot Pocket I had in 2003.
Relationships are like yard sales... They look good from a distance but you get there & realize its just a bunch of sh!t you dont need.
You’re the reason I wake up everyday... Just kidding I have a job!!
There is something so unique about me, that even I can`t figure it out...
Its never polite to ask the guy at the next table "are you done with that?" Especially when he`s breaking up with his girlfriend.
How did the person who invented the first clock know what time it was?
The fox says you need to stop.
If I`m in your house and you have bookshelves... Be prepared to see me turning statues and bending down books while looking for your lair.
The only 2 things that I love and enjoy about being an adult is having sex and drinking alcohol.
Why is there Head & Shoulders shampoo? Who has hair on their shoulders? Who`s shampooing their shoulder hair? ... please come forward.
I have a million dollar idea that I will share with the first million people to send me a dollar.
That awkward moment when u start telling a story only to realise no one is listening so you slowly fade out and pretend to have said nothing.
A fun thing to do is take a group picture at a party. Then leave & print it at Walgreens. Buy a frame, go back to party, & place it on the mantel at the party.
"Do you have a charger?" is the new "Could I bum a cigarette?"
My walk of shame is putting back the 9 boxes of assorted cereals that my wife found in the grocery cart.