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The only time I use the word “selfie” is when I am describing my sex life.
Sneaking alcohol into work is pretty easy if you put it in your stomach first.
If puppies could talk I would never even want to try and make human friends ever again.
The package says "Do not eat raw cookie dough" but all I really see is "Pillsbury hates you and doesn`t want you to be happy."
Party like you will never be invited to another!
Netflix is a lot like facebook in the way I just waste time scrolling and scoffing at things.
I`d like to have a kid but I`m not sure I`m ready to spend ten years of my life constantly asking someone where their shoes are.
I swear I saw a guy earlier today that had no chin and all I could think about was, how does he put on pillow cases?
"It`s not you, it`s me." -Twins looking at some family photos.
As a future ghost, I`m kinda bummed out about the dress code.
people say that sarcasm is the lowest form of wit, but it`s the only way I can talk to you.
Who needs Google when you’ve got a wife who knows it all?
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me 300,000 times, well then you`re probably a weatherman.
People think I`m a hugger, but I`m actually shaking them down for snacks.
Paperclips: The staple for people with commitment issues.