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I like to friend friends of friends then unfriend the first friend to freak out the friend of a friend.
Telling my kids that the Titanic sunk because Jack and Rose had sex before marriage
No officer, my speech isn`t slurred. I`m just talking in cursive.
Oops is farting in the elevator and thinking it would be silent.
Don`t invite me anywhere last minute. I enjoy doing nothing so I need to know ahead of time if my plan to do nothing needs to be changed.
Don’t ask me to kill a spider for you & then criticize my methods. Yes, I had to use a samurai sword, & no, I’m not sorry about your table.
DATING TIP: never reveal how many cats you have.
If “too drunk to stand” is a yoga pose, then I’m nailing that one.
Ever been in the middle of writing a great post and think, did I just run someone over?
Alcohol doesn’t make you fat… it makes you Lean… on tables, chairs & random ugly people.
Job interview tip: repeatedly ask if you`re under oath
Just because nobody complains doesn`t mean all parachutes are perfect.
Just called the fire department to tell them that dogs pee on fire hydrants so they should probably all wash their hands.
Dear wind, what has my hair ever done to you?
Just because she weighed as much as two women doesn`t mean you had a threesome