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My first career was working as a Ventriloquist on a Radio Program, I got let go when people kept calling in to say my lips were moving.........
You can never read a doctor`s prescription, but you can sure read his bill
I´m pretty sure I had a good time last night. Let me finish reading the police report and I´ll let you know.
Hating everything saves countless hours of decision making.
Rum balls, rum cake, rum spiked eggnog, rum in fruitcakes...you know, anymore, there`s more of the Captain than of Christ in Christmas...
I know you`re supposed to have 3 balanced meals a day, but how many can I have at night?
Some of these Giraffe profile pictures are a vast improvement.
Life is so unfair, why do we always want what we don`t have? For example, right now I want tacos
I know money talks but I wish mine had a better vocabulary instead of just ‘Spend me’.
If a bag is not resealable then it contains one serving. I don`t make the rules.
Blacking out when you’re drunk is god’s way of telling you that it’s none of your business what you do when you’re drunk.
Just when I think my confidence couldn`t be shakier, some shitty website tells me I have a "Weak Password"
didn`t get much sleep last night, I tried counting sheep but they kept cutting in line, confused the hell outta me!!
Life Lesson: Never ever, ever do anything you wouldn`t want to explain to a nurse in a busy ER.
Home: The place where I can look ugly and enjoy it.