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My entire life is a “you had to be there” moment.
Your secrets are safe with me, because I probably wasn’t listening to begin with.
Tequila... cuz the bed isn`t goin to spin itself!
Nothing says God is forgiving like hell.
Couples Halloween costumes always end up looking like one person went along with it to save the relationship.
It`s a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships.
If all the worlds a stage and the men and women merely players, how come Justin Bieber gets all the airtime?
I read recipes the same way I read science fiction. I get to the end and I think, “well that’s not going to happen.”
I don`t understand interventions. What`s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of reasons why I drink in the first place?
Dear piece of paper that wont go in the dust pan ... f*ck you!
I hope I die doing something extreme like climbing Mt. Everest or telling a woman I don`t like her new haircut.
If you`re behind someone at an ATM at night, let them know you`re not a threat by gently kissing their neck.
You’d think my password was “yourmom” because my computer just told me it was too easy.
You know you had an awesome night when you need sunglasses to get food out the fridge.
I’m so glad I was young and stupid before there were camera phones.