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Honesty is the best policy, but insanity makes for a better legal defense.
Sometimes the first step to forgiveness is understanding that the other person is an idiot.
I don`t go to bars anymore, but I miss some things about it. So sometimes I wait outside my bathroom for 15 minutes when I`m dying to pee.
I once dated a meteorologist just so I could be with a woman who wasn`t right all the time.
I prefer to be crazy and happy rather than normal and bitter......
I often confuse reptiles and amphibians. Actually, if I`m being brutally honest, they pretty much never know what I`m talking about
Interviewer: Have any weaknesses? Me: Bullets I: No, I mean… M: Knives I: I don’t think y… M: probably evil dragons I: … M: Focusing.
Improve your memory by doing unforgettable things.
Marriage. The world`s oldest form of identity theft.
You trust me holding your child? Do you know how many iPhone screens I’ve cracked?
Every night before bed I do this cute little thing where I stare at the Internet for 6.5 hours
My boss acts like during March Madness is the only time we`re less productive. Its cute
A woman’s mind is cleaner than a man’s…That’s because she changes it more often.
I`d explain it to you again but I`m fresh out of crayons and puppets
I didn`t see anyone important today, so I`ll probably wear these same clothes tomorrow.