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My bed has no frame and sits directly on the floor because under-bed monsters are just one less thing I have to worry about now.
My last relationship was a lot like The Notebook. It felt like it lasted forever and we both wanted to die towards the end.
The Swiss must`ve been pretty confident in their chances of victory if they included a corkscrew in their army knife.
I commend any woman for going into labor outside a hospital setting. If I have to poop anywhere besides my own bathroom I go into panic mode
This pizza looks like a pie chart of 100% good news.
I`m glad the Dentist calls me the day before to remind me to cancel my appointment.
Guacamole is my favorite food that looks like someone already ate it.
2015 and still no thieves interested in my identity.
I’ve always wanted to climb Mt. Everest…just not more than I don’t want to.
I bought a pair of Meatloaf underwear today. On the front they say `I would do anything for love`. On the back, `But I wont do that!`
I’m no Dr. Phil, but I bet if you tell at least 5 people to f*ck off today, you’ll feel better.
I think I might be bisexual. Because last night I had sex by myself.
I am the type to fart in a crowded train and get just as upset as everyone else.
Never argue with someone who knows fancier words than you. Like `responsibility`
My motto for the night ... drink till I no longer think :)