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Those of you who say “I’ll sleep when I’m dead” don’t really get how the whole “dead” thing works, do you?
thinks there are times when your the most beautiful girl in the world, and there are times when I’m sober.
I had a really funny joke, but autocorrect ruined the lunchtime.
I`ll be right with you, I`m busy being inappropriate on the internet.
Forrest Gump forever changed the way I pronounce buttocks.
Statistics say that 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhea. Does that mean that 1 enjoys it?
you know why maths is unhappy? because it got so many problems.
Having sex is like doing FRACTIONS... It`s IMPROPER for the larger one to be on top.
Keep your friends close and your fat friends closer, because snacks.
Non alcoholic beer is like porn movie on a radio
I`m getting tired of having to write "Sent from my iPhone" at the end of all my e-mails. Maybe I should just get an iPhone.
The great thing about snow is it makes your lawn look as good as your neighbors.
Sometimes when I`m home alone I like to fill my bathtub with spaghetti and pretend I`m a meatball.!
I decided to bury the hatchet with that neighbor I never got along with. After all, it is the murder weapon.
Pretty sure I know what my wife`s getting me for my birthday cause when I guessed, "A 3-way?" she got all angry like I ruined the surprise.