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I missed that one episode of The Walking Dead where they show us how the zombies keep everyone`s lawns so freshly mowed.
People need to stop putting flyers on my car. I don`t want to see a band called "Parking Violation" at the "Courthouse."
I`m considering buying a racehorse and naming it, "My Face". Just so I can hear everyone in the stands scream "Come on, My face!!"...
Don`t ``Wine and dine`` me ... ``Champagne`` me ... step it up a notch
My short-term memory is my ONLY problem..... Well, that, and my short-term memory
My favorite thing about naps is that I don`t have to talk to people during them
Things that make women emotional- 1) sad movies 2) love stories 3) anything 4) everything
I think I need to lose some weight. I tried to sit up earlier and ended up rocking myself to sleep
My neighbors wifi isn`t working. Do you think they are aware and are trying to fix it, or should I go let them know?
Please tell me I’m not the only one who opens up their Hershey Kisses ever so gently so that the foil doesn’t tear.
I eat a whole pizza before I go to the gym, because a good workout begins with low self-esteem.
If Mary Poppins floated in on an umbrella today, they`d shoot her out of the sky with a drone.
You know the best side effect of losing weight? Supersonic hearing. I can hear the crinkle of a candy wrapper or bag of chips through walls.
Don`t wait until you`re on your deathbed to tell people how you really feel because you could be too weak to raise your middle finger.
Research is what I`m doing when I don`t know what I`m doing.