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My head says “go to the gym” but my heart says, “stay on the internet forever and eat!”
Sorry I`m late, the floor was lava
You never know what you are missing,until you clean your room.
It`s impossible to look cool while holding onto a leash attached to a dog who is taking a crap.
10 years from now: “Dad, how did you meet mom? Well, your mom had the hottest profile pic…so I had to friend request that.”
If you live by the sword, I guess that is pretty cool. I live by some trees and shit.
Do crabs think we walk sideways?
If it doesn’t make you afraid to go to the bathroom the next day, it’s not really hot sauce.
My neighbour has diabetes and now she won`t make me cupcakes anymore, its like bad things always happen to me.
So many Jehovah`s Witnesses and yet still not a shred of Jehovah`s Evidence.
The phrase "use of the jerk-off motion is prohibited" has been added to our HR manual because of me. It`s like winning an award.
Women who tell me I have commitment issues have never seen me with a large pizza.
One night, as I as lying in bed, I looked up at the stars and thought to myself: "What the f#ck happened to the roof?"
Oh, honey, you have gone beyond muffin top. That`s a busted can of biscuits!
Hey Russia, you spelled Sushi wrong.