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How to make friends: 1. Tell people you have weed.
Goodnight friends, strangers, pervs, weirdos and a$$holes, and anybody else I left out.
Went into a five-star hotel to use the bathroom and now it`s a two-star hotel.
It is literally impossible to prove that Harry Potter wasn`t just in his parents basement on acid the whole time
I bought my Ex a chair ... But the state won`t let me plug it in.
I got kicked out of the public swimming pool today. Apparently the `Breast Stroke` wasn`t what I thought it was.
Been there, done that. Hypothetically
I don`t have to run faster than the lion. I just have to run faster than you.
It scares me when the lights go out and it`s complete darkness. The first thing I think is ... OMG I just went blind!
Do you ever start writing a status and half way through you’re just like… nah
Awkward moment when you just wanted a sugar daddy but becomes the First Lady of America!
Imagine if someone`s name was Gurt. You`d be all "yo gurt!" .. funny? no? Ok (._.)
Sometimes you have to photoshop your life. Touch up edges, adjust the tones, blur the background, focus on yourself & crop some people out.
What do you call an alligator wearing a vest? An investigator. Hahaha I’m so sorry. No I’m not.
I always get this dream where I`m driving in reverse ...Then I wake up and see that I`m driving normally.