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Turtles do nothing and are slow as hell, yet they live for like 200 years. I`ll probably live forever.
A stranger at Walmart just coughed in my face, so I`ve probably only got two, maybe three, days to live.
I`m still waiting for that fairly tale scene where the animals clean everything for me.
Apparently the drunk guy at the urinal next to me is under the impression that I was stung in the leg by a jellyfish.
It`s been few days since I heard from the voices in my head, I think it`s the calm before the storm. Some big sh!t is gonna go down!!
Not to brag, but I don`t even need alcohol to make really bad decisions.
Creating a password in this day and age After the 9th try OKNowI`mReallyMad50BoiledCabbagesUpYourArseIfYouDon`tGiveMeAccessImmediately! `Sorry, that password is already in use`
I just assume I do everything wrong since I don`t have a wife to confirm it.
I`ll go to great lengths to scavenge other devices for batteries, before I will go out to buy new ones
Whenever I see a woman breastfeeding in public, my first reaction is to get in line.
I keep a second pair of shoes at work, I don`t want people to recognize me when I`m pooping.
I will be forever in your debt if you would just loan me 1 million dollars.
Sometimes my mind wanders, other times it leaves completly. ;)
You can either wear granny panties OR yoga pants - not both. Pick one.
Good thing I`m judged on my actions and not my thoughts.