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My nephew asked me what marriage was like. So I gave him a candy bar and told him not to eat it.
I don`t have the blood alcohol level to deal with you
I love long walks on the beach under the moonlight, poetry, candlelight dinners, and having my a$$ spanked with a fuzzy slipper.
Big shoutout to my neighbors, who left their back door open accidentally, when I needed a few things and didn`t want to go to the store...
When I was six, my dad threw me into the pool thinking I would instantly learn to swim. I probably would if it had water in it.
I always say "morning" instead of "good morning". If it were a good morning I`d still be in bed instead of talking to people.
Found out today you`re supposed to urinate on a jellyfish sting, not a jelly stain. Sorry lady at the waffle house... just trying to help.
Billion Dollar Idea: An app that deletes your phone number from other people`s phones.
Beer is like sex. When it’s good it’s good…when it’s bad it’s still pretty good.
Apparently, when people say "I could use a hand" it doesn`t mean they want to get slapped in the face.
If anyone is looking for an unlicensed helicopter pilot give me a call. . .
Feeling bored? Post a status on Facebook that says "Barack Obama 2016" and buckle up for the ride of your life.
Okay, enough procrastination. Time for excuses.
If you recieve something that says,”Send it to all your friends” , then please don`t consider me as your friend.
After reading some marriage post, I`m beginning to suspect we all may have been married to the same person.