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Secretly adding a tablespoon of butter to everything he eats is my long-term exit plan.
Ironically, Internet was made to save our time.
Unless you fell off the treadmill and smacked your face, nobody wants to hear about your workout.
I want to be something scary for Halloween so I am going as a positive pregnancy test......
slugs are snails that are going through a divorce
The problem with the general public is that it`s made of people.
No heel is too high when pointed up at the ceiling.
I didn`t get drunk enough last night, I can still remember working.
Iām the king of balancing more trash on top of an already full trash can.
I`m just wondering what the employees at the Weather Channel make small talk about.
You make me wanna be a better stalker. No, seriously. Slow the f*ck down.
Last night I was thrown out of the casino for misunderstanding the use of the Crap table.
There is nothing more terrifying than sneezing while driving.
I just witnessed a co worker eat a cupcake with no frosting ... What kind of devil worshiping nonsense is this?
Everyone wants their kid to learn to walk until exactly 30 seconds after their kid learns to walk.