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I just found out that checking your credit score actually LOWERS your credit rating. Seriously? That`s like every time you look in the mirror, you get a little bit uglier.
Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right and the other is the husband.
You never really know a woman, until she takes you to court.
If Google can`t find the answer, it`s not a question.
The earth moves 1.6 million miles per day. So no I didn`t just "lay in bed and watch TV all day" I traveled very far thank u
Dyslexics of the world.. UNTIE!
Women have all the answers, to all of your questions, and you don`t even have to ask.
You know you`ve picked the right friends if no one has nominated you for the ice bucket challenge
Sometimes not being in control is the most awesome feeling in the world.
Sometimes I find myself envious of how well Waldo can hide..
I always reply to my wife’s texts with :0))) I’m not being friendly, I’m discretely letting the fat bitch know how many chins she has.
I say if you can`t come up with anything nice to say then post it on Facebook.
Boss: "Are you texting?" Me: "No, I`m Tweeting." Boss: "What`s the difference?" Me: "Texting would imply that I have friends."
I say the things better left unsaid.
My decision making skills closely resemble that of a squirrel crossing the street.