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Its all fun and games until you realize your Capri Sun has no straw.
Prostitution must be a hole sale business.
I often worry about the safety of my children ... Especially the one who is talking back right now.
Why do crutons come in resealable bags? Are we really worried about them going stale?
Life is like toilet paper....either you`re on a roll....or you`re taking sh*t from some asshole
I’m not the friend you put on speaker phone.
Destiny may decide who touches your Life. Your heart may decide who touches your Soul. But…Tequila decides who touches your body
First thing I do in the morning: Look at the clock and hope I have more time to sleep.
A smart man washes his hands after he pees. A wise man doesn`t pee on his fingers.
You`re in your 20`s... you don`t have "haters"... you have "adults" that think you are "annoying"
According to new research, too much sex can cause memory loss. Finally, something that explains my ultra detailed photographic memory.
You`ll all be sorry when I figure out how to breathe fire.
My number was 0...
I think the lady at the movies is "shushing" me, but I can`t tell because I`m eating Doritos.
Better to be incredibly weird than incredibly boring.