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I like it like that
That`s not chapstick in my front pocket.
One should love animals.. They are so tasty.
I was getting really depressed today but then I realized double cheeseburgers exist
Drive-Thru Workers: The longer you make me wait in line, the more change will be used for my payment...
Broke up with my girlfriend. She was into the horoscope stuff and we weren`t compatible. I`m a libra and shes a...b!tch
I don`t lift so maybe I`m wrong about this, but I feel like Popeye might be focusing on his forearms too much.
Fast way to mess up someones Knock Knock joke? "It`s open."
A Relationship is like poker, if you don`t have a partner you better have a good hand.
Is bloodletting still in use today? Just thinking...I know a couple of people here that may be in need of some bloodletting
Leave the past behind. Smile every day. Never wear underwear. I don’t know. Inspirational statuses are hard.
I imagine some people are like...: `should I take the shower?...no...I`m taking the train today...`
The most impressive thing about marathon runners is how they don’t check their phone for 3 hours.
What`s with this `running with scissors` bullsh!t? Why would you run with scissors? Are you that excited to cut paper?
Odd Fact: The names of characters in Inception are: Dom, Robert, Eames, Arthur, Mal and Saito. Note the first letters = DREAMS.