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79% of accidents happen in the home....... Finally, good news for the homeless
I assume guys who wear their phones on the hip do so because their pockets are stuffed to the brim with condoms and girls phone numbers
More often than not, the excitement of a Facebook friend request dies upon discovering who it is.
Why do cops ask us why we think they pulled us over? It`s their job. I dont go to the station and ask why they think I created a powerpoint.
Junk food would be a lot easier to avoid if it actually tasted like junk.
The only thing that makes me happy about the launch of a new model cell phone is that I can finally afford the previous model.
It’s been close to a million years since I exaggerated about anything.
I wish they made bar-stools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
this isn`t the status you`re looking for
When a girl says "no," a guy hears it as "try again tomorrow."
Depending on how you look at it, half of 8 could be 4, 3, or 0.
My wife treats me like a God…She takes very little notice of my existence until she wants something.
Just saw a homeless dude with a sign reading "Hungry Hungry Hobo"... I shouldn`t laugh right?
When your wife says she needs a new broom it`s best not to ask if she broke the last one in a crash landing.
Friends that are with you during your darkest times probably didn’t pay their electric bill either.