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wonders how you can knock sense into someone when you`re beating them senseless?
Just got back from a vacation in Nevada...turns out that money can by you love.
Everyone can stop painting. We all have cameras that can take perfect pictures of everything.
If a woman asks if you "notice anything new" tell her "I do, your beauty surprises me every day." Then continue thinking about velociraptors
You can always tell a lot from that first kiss, especially when they say things like "please stop" and "who are you?"
I have a stalker. Everywhere I go, she`s always there, 10 paces ahead of me...
Just think of how different the world would be if Noah had eaten those two chickens.
I like to follow random families around Disneyland for a day and just be in the background of all their photos.
Do you think when Spider-Man gets stoned with Batman and the Hulk he sometimes thinks the spider on his chest is real and freaks out?
Cops love donuts…. just not when you do them on a four lane highway.
Love your neighbor, but don`t get caught...
When I die, before my will is read, I want my entire Google search history revealed and whoever is left in the room gets it all.
is running out of excuses for the stupid things I do. Please submit suggestions below.
I fear the day when our kids would look at old you tube videos of us doing the Harlem Shake and Gangnam Style and think what a retarded generation ours was.
Shout out to ATM fees for making me buy my own money.