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Designated drivers just drive me to drink.
I`ve noticed more and more little kids with cell phones and social networks. What does a kindergartner have to tweet about? "I`m getting better at drawing in the lines!" #cantwaitforstorytime
Why do some people call it a "tuna-fish" sandwich? It`s not like anyone calls it a "chicken-bird" sandwich.
Do whatever you want. And if it’s something you’re going to regret in the morning…sleep late.
My hobbies include trying to close the elevator door before someone else gets on.
If by "help decorate the tree" you mean drinking beer on the couch yelling out everything you`re doing wrong, then yeah, count me in.
what is the first thing a homeless person does when he`s on a computer? he searches through the recycle bin
I`m undecided about which pants to wear today...Smarty of Fancy?
The best curve on a woman is her smile :) ...Hahahaha lmao! No I`m kidding, it`s her boobs.
You don`t appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things, like being spanked every day by a middle aged woman. Stuff you pay good money for in later life.
Be careful when you`re watching a movie with your wife. You`re gonna get blamed for whatever the guy in the movie does.
Why are police men so strong? Because they hold up traffic.
What do you call an alligator wearing a vest? An investigator. Hahaha I’m so sorry. No I’m not.
I failed my driver`s test. For the question "What do you do at a Red Light?" I said "Text and check Facebook."
Hello... Modeling Agency? Ya, my selfie just got 34 likes I think I`m ready to go pro!