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I only say “bless you” twice. If you sneeze a third time I assume you cant be blessed and you’re a demon who must be destroyed.
Always crush and snort your first pill on the pharmacy counter to make sure they`re not passing you some fake sh!t.
Remember, You’re only young once, but you can be immature forever.
Be thankful for stupid people, they make it easier for the rest of us to get ahead in life.
I don`t regret burning bridges. I regret that some people weren`t on those bridges when I burned them.
How did the person who invented the first clock know what time it was?
Sometimes I meow back at cats.
They say `No news is good news,` but I think it just means I have a lazy paperboy.
I have a million dollar idea that I will share with the first million people to send me a dollar.
I`m emotionally constipated. I haven`t given a crap in days...
I`m not antisocial. I`m pro leave-me-the-hell-alone.
Some of the happiest years of a woman`s life are when she`s 29.
You don’t have to be drunk to love me, but it helps
"I need to talk to you” is the one sentence that has the power to make you remember every bad thing you’ve ever done in your life.
I can’t remember ever being told I’m a bad listener