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Why are there stitch marks on zombies? Who the heck is giving them medical attention?!
If you find it hard to laugh at yourself, I would be happy to do it for you.
Stop bitchin about the frigid winter snow. There are kids in Africa who don`t even HAVE weather!
I`ve had like 10 red bulls, so of course I`m vacuuming the front yard.
Live today like it`s your last!! But pay your bills and use a condom just in case it isn`t.
"Hey, man, just called to see when you`re going to commercial. Now? Ok, us too." -Radio Stations
Dear New Years Resolutions People; You don`t have to wait for the New Year to get your sh*t together and become a better person.
You know what else looks like a ring and has lots of power over people? Donuts.
I took a pic of my self a few days ago. Now I`m playing with it. Yeah...I`m playing with my selfie.
I Hope I can make it through another season of disagreement over the pronunciation of pecan.
With my background and genetics, you guys should be happy I am half as normal as I am.
Not many people can say their Batman wallet matches their underwear like I can.
Can you make garlic bread out of frozen waffles? Asking for someone who wishes they had remembered garlic bread at the store.
1) Second. 2) Minute. 3) Hour. 4) Day. 5) Week. 6) Month. 7) Year. 8) Decade. 9) Century. 10) Millennium. 11) Women buying clothes.
Square box. Round pizza. Triangle slices. I`m Confused.