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Maybe vodka is addicted to me
And that`s when I realized, it wasn`t the hamburger who needed help, it was me
Chuck E. Cheese is just a casino for little kids.
All things being considered......half of your friends are below average.
Woke up this morning, looked in the mirror & said out loud, "You gotta bring it today!" ... So I packed a lunch and went to work.
Life is like a box of chocolates and you`re on a diet so you can`t even enjoy it.
I like my coffee like I like my women, hot and a lot of alcohol in them
Does anyone know when is the cut-off date to stop wishing someone Happy New Years?
Why am I not allowed to post anything on here?
The worst part about being alone is I don`t have anyone to get me a beer from the fridge.
What if the stickers are the only thing Made In China?
I opened a bottle of wine to let it breathe. It didn`t. So I gave it mouth to mouth.
I don`t run away from my problems. That`s immature. I ignore them.
Apparently it`s ok to leash your dog to a bike rack, but it`s illegal to leash your kid to one. Parenting is hard...
The only thing worse than it raining after you wash your car is having to poop as soon as you get out of the shower.