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My car is so old the high beam switch is on the floor...
I don`t like surprises so, I never open my Electric Bill or my Bank Statement.
I`m hosting a wine tasting event in my home. Well, it`s not really an event. It`s just me and three bottles of wine. No one else is invited.
You can tell yourself that Sesame Street is educational but Cookie Monster has lived there for like 40 years and still can`t conjugate verbs.
I pretend I’m taking an important call and use big words when old people walk by so they’ll think the future is in good hands.
When you put ‘aspiring’ in front of your chosen profession. What I hear is: I’m unemployed.
Saw a flying saucer today. It appeared right after the flying cup that my wife threw at me.
No pants are the best pants.
If you receive an e-mail that says: ``FREE JUSTIN BIEBER CONCERT TICKETS`` Don`t open it! It may contain free Justin Bieber concert tickets.
I`d do anything to lose 20lbs. Well, except for eating healthy or working out.
Somebody told me I`m horrible with names.
You can save a lot of money by walking face-first into a spiderweb every morning instead of buying coffee.
Maybe my mom was right all those years ago. Maybe I won`t be happy until someone loses an eye. Maybe that`s what`s been missing.
They`re teaching kids that abstinence is 100% more effective in preventing pregnancy than birth control, try telling that one to Jesus`s mother!
Dear Lord, Thanks for making me funny. Especially since you didn`t give me much else to work with.