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My girlfriend called me up and said "Come on over to my place. No one`s home!" I went over. No one was home.
It`s not the torch she carries for me that has me worried, it`s the gas can in her other hand.
If you still pay for porn I just want you to know I have a butter churner and an abacus for sale.
It’s all fun and games until they reply to your text with a phone call.
The dentist told me I need to be more aggressive when I floss so I`ve decided to start growling.
Happy St. Patrick`s Day to the fool that gave up alcohol for Lent.
I would go for a jog today, but it looks like all of these cupcakes expire today as well.
My cat just dragged in a half eaten sausage, I have no idea where he got it from but it tastes expensive.
Hey,,,, I said I`d be there in 10 minutes... Quit calling me every half hour.
My wife is a sex object. Every time I want to have sex, she’ll object.
I wish electronics would scream a little bit when you unplugged them.
Whoever determined that a 1-inch candy bar should be called " fun size" should really re-evaluate their stanards of entertainment.
My sister borrowed my favorite shirt without asking again, so I changed her Facebook profile picture to a positive Clearblue pregnancy test.
You can not force anyone to love you ... The best you can do is stalk them and hope they give in :)
I`m pretty sober, but I`m prettier drunk.