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One quality I`m not looking for in a partner is the ability to maintain a virtual farm. #FarmVille
I had four E`s and LSD last night. Such an awful start to a game of scrabble!!
How did the person who invented the first clock know what time it was?
It`s really quite simple ... I do what I want! ... The End.
Who`s this "moderation" people keep telling me to drink with?
After opening this month`s electric bill, I am no longer scared of the dark.
I just assume that when a restaurant automatically adds 15% to the bill for a tip that the service is going to suck.
I love myself everyday. Sometimes, twice a day.
Oh, so you are thinking about me? I am also thinking about myself.....
I wish Facebook wasn`t the only place I could block people from my life.
I don’t care how loud I’m laughing, I’m having fun and you’re not.
Strange new trend at work. People putting names on food in the company fridge. Yesterday I ate a tuna sandwich named Jennifer.
We didn`t take a video recording of our child`s birth but we have some awesome video of his conception.
Politeness has become so rare, that some people mistake it for flirting.
Every store should have one line for people who have their sh!t together.