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I used to be in a band called ‘Missing Cat’. You probably saw our posters on poles.
You can`t lick any part of your reflection except your tongue.
Always keep a note in your medicine cabinet that says, “I thought you were peeing?”
I can’t hang out tonight because I’m done with people for the day.
Just because leggings stretch dont mean yo 465 pound a$$ should be in them!
If you can’t face it, moon it.
Sometimes I think "What would Dexter do"?
If I had known "cuties" were little oranges when my wife asked me to "bring a few home," I could have avoided these awkward introductions.
omg I just found out I`m allergic to exercise...at first I get all flushed, then I break out in a sweat, my heart starts pounding really fast, then I cant breath........i wont be doing that again!
Life Tip: Get a birthday card with anything you are embarrassed to buy.
That awkward moment when you leave a store without buying anything and all you can think is "act natural, you`re innocent".
You mellennials and your obsession with public healthcare, back in my day we just died!
With names like "Batman" and "Robin", you`d think they could fly...
A movie ticket for a baby should cost at least $50.
Anything is legal when there`s no police around