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Picking out the right Christmas tree is a science. Sneaking into your neighbor`s yard to cut it down is an art.
Smile at the people who hate you. It makes them wonder what you`re up to. :)
Those awkward moments when you catch yourself feeling frustrated with your kids for being just like you....
Every club is a strip club, if you have the money. Every zoo is a petting zoo, if you have the balls.
All men approve of premarital sex......until they have a daughter.
In hell you`re always trying to spread butter that`s too cold.
Sunday morning = lazy lay in my bed and fart under my sheets all day :)
Sad life : After watching 2 seconds of Spongebob I already know what episode it is ... I`m 41
Peppermint schnapps might seem like a ridiculous drink, but nobody at work ever complains about my breath.
Have you ever wondered about the look on someone`s face if you hide under their bed and grab their foot in the middle of the night? Just something to think about.....goodnight!
A trail of clothes leading to my bedroom means that I dropped them on the way from the dryer ... That`s all.
Pretty sure one of my ex-girlfriends added the, "are you still listening?" feature on Pandora.
Halloween is great because kids just show up at your door and hold out bags of candy for you to steal
What kind of downward spiral would cause a person to "like" cream cheese on Facebook?
My own personal hell sounds great, actually