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Getting to bed early so I can be well rested and fully alert for my morning anxiety.
Some men get naked when they have to count up to 21...
Saw some idiot put a water bottle where the Pringles go on the treadmill.
Junk food would be a lot easier to avoid if it actually tasted like junk.
If a man says something in the woods.. And there are no women there.. Is he still wrong? O_o
Spoiler alert: I unplugged your fridge.
Traffic jams are more tolerable if you just think of them as really boring parades.
I changed my name in my daughters phone to God...just texted her and said "I saw that"
My brain contains a few things I should know and the rest is just song lyrics.
I`m old enough to remember when apparently the worst thing life could hand you was lemons.
Mark my words: In a year, the leading cause of death will be “Beaten to death with a selfie stick”
Knock knock... whos there? Cows go... Cows go who, No, cows go moo
I can`t help but feel important when someone says there`s a special place in hell for people like me.
When I die, I am going to haunt the f*ck out of you people.
My mom told me to follow my dreams. So I took a nap.