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I want the job where you push scared skydivers out of a plane
If it`s true that opposites attract, I should be looking for someone that gets up early and does stuff
What I learned from Titanic was that you need to have sex as soon as possilble with the person you like cause you never know what might happen.
I socially identify as the guy who tried to jump off of the sinking Titanic but ending up hitting a massive propeller on the way down.
*breaking news music plays* Last thought of the night: Why is now everyone talkin` bout "twerkin`"? Man, that shyt been `round since the days of Hammer pants and spandex shorts!!!!
I quit my job at the helium factory today. I refuse to be spoken to in that tone of voice.
"Try to score a goal. Don`t use your hands. See you afterwards." - Soccer coaches
The Never Ending Story should`ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
Hey NFL, solution to your recent problem, start allowing players to hit each other on the field again
If you`re a grown man walkin around with a winter hat that has animal ears I can tell that @ some point people used 2 take your lunch money
It`s bad luck to be superstitious.
Touch my food and suffer the consequences.
It`s always awkward ending phone calls with loved ones. I always say, "I love you" and they`re like, "thank you for choosing Domino`s."
4 out of 5 voices in my head think the other voice is a douche...
All I want is a little more than I’ll ever get.